Just over eight months ago, at the end of April 2020, I wrote the “I’m back guys” part 2 to the post from August 2019. I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go with my first substantive new post. I saw a really bad take on gaming on Twitter and thought I might take the bait. Why not?
This is not that post. I mulled it over for a couple weeks, wrote a rough draft in the middle of May 2020, and then a murder in Minnesota changed the entire media and psychological landscape of the parts of the world I live in. It just didn’t feel right to be on my usual bullshit. I know that what happened was not new. That’s kind of the point. The uprising that followed, though, felt different than the last several times that the news blew up over a person killed by police. It was different in ways that I didn’t feel I could adequately describe in detail. I didn’t want to write something I would be cringing at in a matter of only days or weeks, so I didn’t write.
Then, in June of 2020, I started writing another post. More random internet dude’s musings about whatever he calls “philosophy.” Maybe I could parse out the highly intellectual nuances of why it’s morally good to stand up TO Nazis but not stand up FOR Nazis even if both things involve doing actions and saying words… tHe SaMe ThInG, amirite? Surely there was definitely a shortage of that kind of content online as the pandemic proceeded to give more and more people more and more time on their hands. Maybe I should get into podcasting now too?
Yeah. This is not that post either. It should come as no surprise that I rattled off another draft and never posted it, nor did I even record a scrap of audio. Deep dive into several old games I use as comfort food for my brain? Yep. Another Skyrim playthrough? Yes, definitely siding against the would-be revolutionaries wearing furry horned hats this time (it’s a bad look for 2021). More exploding internet spaceships? Definitely did lots of that in the second half of 2020. Casual space piracy doesn’t have as much of a “be a part of something bigger thank yourself” angle as participating in the larger scale campaigns waged in sov-null space but it’s fun. I did play some new vidya games that were kind of cool, participated in some TTRPG online, but on the most part I did what most people did in 2020 – sat around staring at the screen, waiting for the world to restart so we could all get back to living again.
Every day, several times a day, I thought about writing a new post. Every time I thought about it, I could not even bring myself to open the site in my browser. Nothing I could possibly post would ever come close to being good enough that anyone (outside my closest social and family circles) would want to read it. Isn’t everyone’s mental and emotional fatigue at a high enough level already? And after all this time – almost a year and a half since any kind of regular activity! If I was going to quit this project, the least I could have done was announce it in a timely manner. Right?
Well, like so many things that I should have already had done long ago, I never got to either getting it done or deciding not to quit. I still wear my wannabe brand on my Twitter account and a few other places. It’s not going to just go away by itself. I’ve either got to pack it up, or get back into it starting with some new header images (on Facebook and Twitter) for a new era. If the latter, then I am going to have to accept that nothing I can write will ever be “good enough” for me not to feel like I tried and failed to show that I can create something worthwhile on the internet using words. I continue to find it very difficult to do that.
I can, however, rest a little bit tonight easier knowing that if any of my recent hot takes on Twitter are leading anyone to check out this website there will at least be an explanation for the lack of promised content and the regular behinds-the-scenes security updates are all caught up now. It’s not good enough, but it’s more than nothing.